poetry · Prose

Click.

Click.
I felt it. I caught you. The trap of my words and expressions and feelings and depression and sobriety and sin and i caught you.
My precious.
My desire.
My love.
My kin.
It was all good then. We were. The stars were. The cuckoos were.
It was so fortunate, the magpies felt inadequate while flying around in twos.
It was so fortunate, crimson doubted its hues.
We were more than fireworks on the skies of a city so polluted, it was unaware of stars.
We were more than the songs sung by Saturn’s ring, the traces of life they found of Mars.
I was happy.
Ecstatic.
Triumphant, i swear, so triumphant.
For you were
My secret safely buried in me.
My secret only mine to keep.
.
Click.
I woke up one morning to see you gone, i dont know why or how or when.
I woke up to feel what made me never want to wake up again. .
‘Help me through this’, i shouted to the walls of the bathroom so loud i fell to the floor, bleeding, sobbing my guts out.
Nobody could hear me though.
I felt as if I was on the second verse of our favorite song and you suddenly changed the tune
and everyone who was watching forced me to maintain my rhythm with you
but what they didn’t realize…
What they didn’t realize was while you had practiced your notes with someone new
I was the only one who never fucking knew
The music changed.
.
Like the parents that abandon the unwanted child at a carnival, sticking a lollipop in her mouth
I trodded backwards when i ran forwards until i fell flat, got run over by the crowds .
I should’ve let them kill me.
It would’ve been better than letting the remnants of your taste choke me.
In every afternoon when i skip my lunch
And in every breath i wish i didn’t have to breathe.

Prose

Solving Puzzles or each other?

I kissed the palm of your hand. But, this time you didn’t run your fingers along my cheek. Snap. A peck and your hand clenched itself in a tight fist and away. Away from me.
I sat there next to you, looking at your face, beautiful as always, and more distant than it had ever been before. I knew i lost you. I knew you were gone. I swallowed, choking on my own spit, giving it one last try. I rested my head on your shoulder. And this time, you didn’t rest your head on mine. Your shoulders tightened. I needed water, i remember well. My throat was dry, almost as if parched. How do you stop a person who has already left?
Like asking them to not hang up when all that you can hear on the other end is a single beep.
I pretended i was asleep till it was time to get off. Once there, i walked faster than usual, trying to make sure you didn’t catch up with me. Tears brimmed my eyes, one of them, skillfully escaping the grip of my ’emotional control’. I heard you call my name, eating the last few syllables, uninterested.
I was estranged by you. I was given up on. And i swear, i hadn’t had that feeling in a stronger manner ever before. All my cells sobbed, my body, just a mass i wanted to get rid of.
I turned around to see if maybe, maybe you’re pondering over making me stay as well.
You were gone.
And you took myself along with you.
It was a goodbye i bade to myself.
You made me a wreck. A precious one at that. The kind so unique, only you knew how to solve.
Except, you never were a fan of solving puzzles.

#poetry · poetry · Prose

Two oysters or handcuffs?

It’s all perspective, you see
I see sadness like a fishnet sprawled all over my thoughts
You see it like the fencing wire on the way back home
Always on the other side
All of what you seek
It’s all perspective, you see
The bow ribbon around my ponytail
To you, like handcuffs
To me, like two oysters, kissing in ecstasy
It’s all perspective, you see
My love for the squint in your eye
What you call a defect you were born with
What I think is just a subtle flirtation with normalcy
It’s all perspective, you see
How I am a perpetual part Of your closeted Plan B
How the broken nail of your last finger
Is all that ever mattered to me.

poetry · Prose

My Most Precious Moment

They ask me about the moment i cherish the most in my life.
.
I whisper his name.
.
‘But he wasn’t a moment, was he?’
‘Oh, of course he was’, i answer, faking a chuckle to hide the gulp forming in my throat like a hidden iceberg slowly wrecking the ocean.
.
‘He wasn’t just one moment. But a collection of them. A million tiny ones put together, into his state of being, blessing all those he decided to be with. It wasn’t routine, but a beautiful, beautiful chance.
To live him.
To see through his thoughts. To know what made him laugh and what caused the brewing of fears within.’
.
When they ask me to define him, it doesn’t take me a second to begin explaining all that i have engraved on my veins.
.
For he was.
The first rainfall on a cold winter night, that, although only makes it colder, but the kind you’d want to go out and take a long quiet stroll in
.
The ecstasy that rushes through you, when you’re by the sea side, waiting for a high tide for hours, till you finally notice the tension build, a number of subtle waves merge, only to come towards you with the joy that makes it hard for you to stand still, the kind just before a few seconds before the wave hits you.
.
The silence that takes over you, as you unplug the earphones after realizing you fell asleep through your favorite song, and you embrace your blanket, smiling, content.
.
The safety that reaches out to you, when you look at your mother smiling, every morning as she drags you off the bed, preparing you for what is ahead.
.
He was the grip that helped me from letting my nightmares take over, the laugh that made me believe i was funny, the applaud that made me believe i was.
.
His hands around mine, like love defeating time
His heart counting my beats, like flower petals gracing my feet
His cheek against my face, making me curse every single day
I spent without him around.
.
The look in his eyes
When he bade me goodbye
Leaving an assurance behind
That somehow held me from crying
Even a single tear
So i could cherish all that we were,
The scent of his neck
The taste of his skin
The rhythm of his eyes
And his beautiful, beautiful mind.
.
My moment. My most precious one.

Uncategorized

so much more

So much more than spilled alcohol on floral bed sheets and cigarette burns on youthful spines
.
So much more than smoke stained lips and chokingly toxic nights
.
So much more than your heavy breaths my muffled sighs
.
So much more than my quiet nightmares your routinely lies
.
So much more than the broken button of your shirt making it hard to concentrate for me
.
So much more than my different colored shoe laces, our favorite song on perpetual repeat .
So much more than your messy hair my spiteful glares
.
We were broken seashells near the horizon covered in saline all the time
.
We were not a happy ending but a melancholic rhyme
.
We were more than two beings coming together, a meeting kept in dark
.
We were my grins, your lips, your fingers, my birth marks
.
A constant series of falling back and falling apart
.
We were my scented vanilla candles, your favorite music records
.
We were secrets whispered by the fireplace, tears shed at sunrise
.
We were drizzle together, with naked falls and midnight calls
.
While I was your some
You were my all .
We were more than what any of them had ever had or known
.
you, my favorite cage
and i, your way back home
.
We were a clandestine confession
An enchantment, a passion
.
While i was your calm
You, my savored aggression
.
My need my greed my desire my pain
You were my sanity my calm
My loss my gain
.
Your insecurity my power
Your fear my need
Your smile my eccentricity
Your existence my greed
.
More like how i was the never ending drought
Till you became my safety
My thunder, my rain
.
I found in you a friend,
A dream , a kin
.
While you were the lullaby i put myself to sleep with every night
I became your most dreaded, but most craved for sin
. .

poetry · Prose

If they’d have let me.

If they’d have let me
I’d have held you close enough that even when all your pieces were jumbled and spilt all over the place, you’d have appeared to them, whole.
.
If they’d have let me
I’d have healed all your cracks and dents, carefully, with devotion so pious the gods would’ve felt envious, even though i was nothing more than absolute brokenness.
.
If they’d have let me
I’d have kissed awy every tear drop that ever took the courage to stain your beauty, only leaving love and warmth all over yu, slowly pulling you in an everlasting embrace.
.
If they’d have let me
I’d have wrapped my arms around you every night, loving you, adorning you with all of me, challenging the sunlight every morning to try and look more beautiful.
.
If they’d have let me
I’d have painted your name all over the greys and blues of the night skies, making stars fall in love with every single syllable that you are known from.
.
If they’d have let me
I’d have waged war against everything that ever went wrong for you, against everyone who came, stopped by, and stomped all over you, against evry single element that deceived you, left you helpless.
.
If they’d hve let me
I’d have scared away your fears so bad, your happiness would’ve been brave enough to dance al over you, all throughout the day.
.
If they’d hve let me
I’d have gotten a chance to convince you.
To convince you to convince them to let me.
How could have i raised my voice when  you blinked in approval with them, making me unable to blink away the worst sight that could’ve been
.
How could have i asked you to stay, if by the time i realized i ran out of time, you were already outside the door, your presence with you, all ready to leave
.
How could have i done anything at all my love, when you came around, filled me to the brim with ecstasy, only to drown me in my own happiness, choking me with your laughter, and then walking away, letting me be
.

#poetry · poetry · Prose

My laughter’s funeral

My insecurities were hidden behind your smiles, your teeth murdering them every single time you grinned at me and you never realized.
You never realized you were a magician, a charmer, with all the power in your hands. To wreck me or to nourish me.
The former to ruin me through and through and the latter.. the latter to calmly watch me bloom
.
I don’t know what went wrong or how or when. But it did. It was almost as if winter took over all over me never to let the ice draping my skin melt. I wanted to feel but i couldn’t for i was trapped in a slab so cold like tree branches in autumn. I wanted to smile and cry and wilt and lie but i was frozen, preparing myself each day each night to be killed by the time the next morning arrived.
Except this time, even death wasn’t the way out.
.
I was alone within and nobody could guess. Because the cruel cold on me was transparent and could be seen by none
exactly like the bruises you left all over me before i could run
.
Why, i ask myself till today every night as i go to bed.
So morose, my pillow dreads from carrying the burden of my head.
Why did i let you in
Why did i let you in
Here i am now, covered in fibs and lies of everyday life
Attending my laughter’s funeral
Hand in hand with my only kins
Those insecurities that crawled their way back all over me
Alongwith your betrayal’s nightmares
And my mad love’s sins.